The past two weeks have been a TRAIN WRECK....

I lay here tucked in bed wrapped in my fluffy crisp white feather-down comforter, I have decided that tonight will be a night to reflect and try to make sense of my past two weeks on the train tour.I can now laugh at what a whirlwind of hell it was because I am now in a better place. I am back in Camps Bay (Cape Town) living the good life for the next 7 days. And until then Zimbabwe can kiss it.
I think my journal says it all. All of my daily entries up until the train tour were long and detailed and very positive. Once we embarked on our journey with the Shongololo train company the days became long and miserable and my journal entries got shorter and shorter. I'm not quite sure if this happened because there was not too much to say about the tour or if I was trying to block out the memories all together.

To paint the picture for you of what the 16 day Shongololo tour was like. The atmosphere of the train was kind of like a motel 8 had sex with the circus and it was on wheels. Not only that, the train rail ties are 1/2 foot closer together in Africa than all other rail ties in the world. Basically what that means for you retards who can't figure it out on your own, it was a shaky, rattling-ass piece of shit train. And I kid you not, the Shonololo staff would always say "its time to rock and roll" when were getting ready to move, and they weren't kidding. I woke up many times in the middle of the night when we were moving thinking we had hit a bus or something, but they informed me that this jolting sensation was from the change in the electical current from one station to the next.
Now that I am back in civilization I can laugh at what a train wreck the past two weeks have been and for shits and giggles I'm going to give you a sample of what my journal entries were like over the duration of my Shongololo experience.

Day 1
This train looks and smells like shit and so do the people who run it. Rudy the train owner called Tara and I rats because she called her travel agent to complain about this instead of going to Rudy. I'm thinking this train idea is a huge mistake. Tomorrow's tour is in Swaziland at the basket market.....lucky me.
Day 2
Tara and I are the only people on this train who do not qualify for a senior citizen discount. I realize that I am going to have to continually self medicate with brandy and coke light to get through this.
Day 3
We had kudu for dinner, the rest of the day I blocked out because it reminds me of hell.
Day 4
I hate this train. I hate touring. Never again will I do an organized tour. We rode a ridiculous bus to a shitty beach in Moputo Mozambique. The city is shit. The beach sucked. I need a tranquilizer gun for myself or either be put into a self induced coma to survive another day of this velveeta fueled vortex.
Day 5
I want to die. I never imagined things could get worse. I now know what it must be like to be a prisoner in San Quinton's death row supermax......except I envy the prisoners there because for them there is hope because they know sooner or later they will be put out of there misery. Execution is more humane than this.
Day 6
I love Malaria pills because they actually make me crazier than I naturally am. Out of sheer boredom tonight, I converted our cabin on the train into a tattoo parlor and I must say, I am quite a talented artist.

OK so you get the point. To be honest, it did get better as the end approached. On one hand we did get to see a lot (a lot of shit I would never want to see and experience again) but at least I can say I became more cultured through this nightmare. I now know what all of the train stations in S. Africa, Swaziland, Lesotho, Mozambique, Botwana, Zimbabwe and Zambia look like. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Africa, I'm just not ever setting foot on a train or a tour ever again. I hate all of the organized planning that tours entail. It's cheesy, and right when you get relaxed and start to enjoy yourself, the bitch with a whistle yells at you for being 5 minutes late to the bus where you have 10 cranky old people staring at you. I have some fabulously funny pics I can't wait to share from this trip. GOOD TIMES!!

Click Here for pictures of Memorable...I mean miserable train moments

Check out my pics of the train

Cape Town, South Africa.

Africa. As Brooks and Dunn would say "I like it, I love it and want some more of it." ( yes I'm a nerd). I have been listening to way too much Jakarandi (one of S.Africa's only radio stations), which constantly airs a smooth mix of Celine Dion, Dolly Parton, and many other talented musical artists that should be dead by now. Top 40 in non-existent in this place.

Our first week was spent in Cape Town. What a delightful place. It reminds me of California, Beverly Hills, San Francisco a little bit of everything. Tara and I rented an apartment under a couple's house. It was very nice and cheap.I went for a jog this morning from our apartment into area that has lot's of trendy restaurants and shops. The area that we are staying in has a spectacular view of Table Mountain and is in walking distance to a lot of cool shops and restaurants. 

Yesterday we climbed to the top of Table Mountain and took a cable car down.  Hiking up to the top apparently entitles me to more bragging rights. I have accumulated several of these so-called bragging rights, for instance immunity to several deadly diseases, my athletic capabilities, etc etc..... I never cease to amaze myself (or others). We drove to Stellenbosch to visit a couple wineries while in the area, the town was beautiful can't say the same about the drive over. We were stopped in traffic for a while, come to find out that one of the people from the shanties got run over and was set beside the road in a sheet and the blood that drained from the corpse was casually covered by dirt from the side of the road by two police, the body was left laying in it's own blood. No big deal for Africa, I guess.

Anyways, back to me. I have a feeling I am going to really miss Cape Town once I  begin to really rough it. As far as I'm concerned, I am getting better food and hospitality over here than at the Ritz. Tara and I had several drinks the first night and both got steaks at a gourmet restaurant for about 30 bucks with tip. That is how a lot of the stuff is over here. Our apartment we are renting is ridiculously cheap.I love this place. I love it here. It is everything I thought it would be.... and more ( I always knew I was an African at heart ). I have met some great people along the way. I wish everyone from home could come and visit................not really...hehe.

Planes, trains and......oh wait...just planes

Planes, trains and....oh wait...just planes

Getting to Africa was a trip. Thursday at 6:30 a.m. I flew out of Valdumpster to connect in Atlanta. I would like to thank the lovely staff at Executive Travel for the 8 1/2 layover before departing to Dakar. That being said, the flight to Dakar ironically took the same amount of time as my layover in Atlanta. On the plane I got seated with a Church of Christ group who were on their way to Zim to do volunteer work. (LUCKY ME!!) The first few sobering hours were spent listening to Paul from Illinois brag about how this was his 3rd time to Zim.....I also learned a lot about firestone tires as well as Christian camps...thank God I had a barf bag near by!

By ordering myself a glass of wine I figured I could pass the time and dull the pain of being seated with this nerd herd. The waitress came by and I ordered a glass of merlot. Paul did everything but spit fire in my face. His look gave the impression that I should be seated on a different flight in the first class section with a one-way ticket straght to hell. I then remembered that Church of Christ forbids drinking......ooops. This unapproving look sent me into a downward spiral of shame. I felt so guilty for ordering alcohol. After the waitress brought it, I casually tucked the (single serving) bottle of wine (along with my pride) into the chair pocket as if I never had either in the first place. I tried having small talk with Paul and soon realized our short-lived friendship was over.Moving on, we were fed some nasty curried chicken (or beef) in flight. However, I loved the swirled brownies so much I ate two. I loved them but they did not love me back.

About this time I decided that I should probably get up and check out the bathroom. I always enjoy trying to sqeez my fat butt into those jokes that they call a lavatory. I have never understood why the doors fold in, instead of out, unless this is Delta's way of adding that extra hint of humiliation to its passengers. Actually, I think they designed these for the waitress......(oh I mean sterwardesses) for comic relief. I swear they hang out on the back of the plain in herds just to make fun of everybody trying to get in and out of those pieces of shit.

So after an awkward few minutes of trying to relieve myself, I opened the door to finish my walk of shame. About that time, I looked up and noticed some pretty cool people that seemed half sober hanging out. Like a bird-dog on point I can spot alcohol from a mile away. A lightbulb went off in my head as I thought to myself "it's about damn time".This was definately a potential party brewing in the back of the plane and the only thing it was missing was me. A short little lady who calls herself Fabby(short for fabulous) asked if I wanted something to drink. My reply was....."does a rocking horse have a hickory dick?" I love that one. Everyone started cracking up and I knew this was the beginning of a beautiful evening. After being on good behavior for almost 5 hours, joining my new party friends on the back of the plane was like going to my first party in college. I was ready to rebell. I felt like an 18 year old who just moved off to college. Fabby had the hook-up. Whatever I wanted to drink was there and it was FREE. Fabby introduced me to the decoy holding a glass of wine.... Andy. As soon as the magic words (National Geographic) came out of Andy's lips, I knew we would become close friends. Soon, Andy, Fabby and myself were brewing up our own little "party in the sky". After an hour and a few drinks we were all exchanging stories as if we had been friends for years. Andy brought back his laptop and he showed me really cool shoots that they did while in Africa. That crazy asshole even jumped out of a moving boat and swam with great whites without a cage. He has hours of raw footage that he showed us. Andy was on his way to Cape Town to do some diving footage of great whites and then some lion shoots in Tanzania. He had the most amazing videos that he filmed in S.Africa. This was his 8th time coming back. Here is a goofy song that he made (i think he was probably drinking while he made it) http://www.youtube.com/user/Futbolbonita25 He said this is what got his foot in the door to N.G. He has a lot of neat stuff that airs on National Geographic. We attracted several other people that joined our party in the back gally and before long we had a crowd. Our party in the sky was a welcomed surprised and a great into to what I hope Africa will be like.

As much fun as we had, the time flew by and before I knew it, it was time to return to my seat in the buzz-kill section with the nerd herd. I returned back to my seat with a wine mustache and raisen teeth, Paul asked if I had gotten lost for 3 hours. I responded by saying that I was Catholic and I had taken communion 3 days early this week.

P.S. The girls at home threw me a wonderful going away dinner at Trippers.